Average Dating ROI
-73%Worse than crypto in 2022
Annual Dating Burn Rate
$2,347Thatโs a lot of ramen dinners
Effort-to-Result Multiplier
0.3xYouโre literally losing money on love
๐ What Is IRR (and Why It Doesnโt Work for Dating)?
IRR (Internal Rate of Return) is used to measure the profitability of investments based on expected cash flows.- Traditional Finance โ
- Dating Finance ๐
- Predictable cash flows
- Measurable ROI
- Clear exit strategy
- Risk assessment models
๐ Emotional ROI: The Real Metric That Hurts
๐ธ Investment Inputs
- 127 hours spent texting
- 43 compliments given
- 6.5 hours Spotify playlist curation
- $347 in Uber rides to โcuteโ places
๐ Actual Returns
- โ two-second voice note replies
- 12 emotional whiplash incidents
- 8 โbad at textingโ excuses
- 0% closure received
Emotional ROI Result: -87.3%Youโre emotionally bankrupt, but at least you learned about yourself! ๐
๐ The Ultimate Dating vs VC Comparison
| Metric | Venture Capital ๐ผ | Dating Life ๐ | Pain Level |
|---|---|---|---|
| Due Diligence | Financial statements, market analysis, team track record | Vibes check, Instagram story deep-dive, mutual friends gossip | โ ๏ธ Medium |
| Initial Investment | Capital deployment with clear terms | Time, self-esteem, and your best pet pics | ๐ฅ High |
| Risk Profile | High but calculated | Megahigh + bonus heartbreak volatility | ๐ Extreme |
| Exit Strategy | IPO, acquisition, or strategic sale | Being left on read after 6 months | โ ๏ธ Soul-crushing |
| Success Metric | 10x return or bust | You got a plant from IKEA together | ๐ฑ Surprisingly wholesome |
๐งช The Emotional IRR Formula That Actually Works
Factor Breakdown
Factor Breakdown
โ
Positive Factors
โ Positive Factors
- Actual closure conversations
- Learning red flags early
- Quality meme exchanges
- Personal growth moments
- New restaurant discoveries
โ Negative Factors
โ Negative Factors
- Ghosting incidents
- Breadcrumbing behavior
- โItโs not you, itโs meโ speeches
- Overthinking sessions
- Friends getting tired of your rants
โ ๏ธ Variables
โ ๏ธ Variables
- Mercury in retrograde
- Your attachment style
- Their โlove languageโ
- Weekend horoscope accuracy
- Your last relationship trauma
๐ก Real-World IRR Calculation
- Case Study: 'The One Who Had Potential'
- ๐งฎ Final Calculation
๐ฐ Initial Investment
- First dates & activities: $347
- Texting hours (@ 1,250**
- New outfit investment: $156
- Emotional energy (priceless but weโll say): $500
Total Investment: $2,253
๐ Returns Analysis
- Meaningful conversations: 4 โจ
- Netflix password sharing period: 3 months
- Instagram story mentions: 7
- Clear communication about feelings: 0 ๐
- Closure quality (1-10 scale): 2/10
๐ง VC-Inspired Dating Round Classifications
๐ฑ Pre-Seed Round
- Coffee date
- โDog or cat person?โ
- Basic compatibility check
- Minimal time investment
๐ Series A
- Netflix password sharing
- Meet the friend group
- Weekend plans together
- Instagram story appearances
๐ Series B
- Coupleโs TikToks
- Joint grocery shopping
- โWeโ language usage
- Future planning conversations
๐ Exit Event
- Mutual blocking
- One moves to Lisbon
- โItโs complicatedโ status
- Therapy recommendations
๐จ Red Flags as Investment Risk Indicators
๐ฏ Interactive ROI Calculator
1
Input Your Investment Data
Think about your monthly dating budget, hours spent texting, emotional energy invested, and duration of the relationship.
2
Assess Your Returns
Count quality conversations, personal growth, closure quality, and Instagram memories created.
3
Calculate Your Emotional Bankruptcy
Our advanced algorithm will determine your exact level of romantic financial ruin.
Sample Calculation Results
๐ฑ Coming Soon: Dating Disruption Features
๐ Relationship Valuation Tool
Plug in time, effort, and Spotify overlap percentage. Get back your net worth in vibes with full cap table breakdown.๐ Beta Testing
๐ฆ 'Is He a Unicorn?' Simulator
Advanced AI-powered analysis to determine if your person has actual $1B+ relationship potential or just good marketing.๐ฌ R&D Phase
๐ Dating Term Sheet Generator
Pre-date NDAs, vibe clauses, and liquidation preferences. Because your heart needs proper legal documentation.โ๏ธ Legal Review
๐ Cap Table of the Heart
Track who owns what percentage of emotional equity in your relationship. Includes vesting schedules and dilution protection.๐ Spec Complete
๐ Liquidation Preference Calculator
Determine who gets the dog, the Netflix account, and that expensive coffee maker in various breakup scenarios.๐ Legal Advisory
๐ฅ Burn Rate Calculator
Calculate your emotional runway vs text closure needs. How long can you last without a response?โฑ๏ธ Coming Q4
๐ชฆ The Bottom Line
- โ What You Wouldn't Do
- ๐ What You Actually Do
- Invest in a company with no product
- Fund a startup with zero traction
- Back founders who ghost VCs
- Put money into ideas with no business model
- Support teams with poor communication
Dating isnโt just risky โ itโs the Fyre Festival of personal finance.At least Billy McFarland eventually went to prison. Your ex just moved to Portland.
๐ญ Interactive Easter Eggs
๐ฒ Random Red Flag Generator
Click to generate increasingly specific dating red flags with their VC equivalents.Feature coming soon
๐ Vibe Check Market Cap
Live tracker of your current relationshipโs valuation based on text response times.AI-powered insights
๐ฎ Breakup Probability Calculator
AI-powered prediction model using Instagram story analysis and response time patterns.99.7% accuracy rate
๐ก Remember: The house always wins, and the house is your therapist.